What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 15:37
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I think the readers, may guess!
(And it was in our own minds.)
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Why do people say "tall, dark, and handsome" when they actually mean "tall, white, and handsome"?
And i lived it daily.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why do some people tell the girl I like that I don’t like her when I do like her?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
All the time i was locked up.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Comes on , in middle age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She wouldn,t have been !
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was seconnd youngest,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I don,t even have a pension.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She married twice! .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Would this be the day?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
What did i know ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But ive been too sick for many years..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot live in the past .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I said to her
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
Im still living with it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Was to survive, this bastard.
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It was going to be , some day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She loved him until the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My life is so biszare .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was 9 years of age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was very sick at this time too.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I never cut or harmed myself..
When she asked me how she looked .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My family never makes their pension either.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.